She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
