i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
