I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
