I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
