I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Randomize
