My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
