Your mouth is God's brothel.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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