Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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