When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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