Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
