There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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