Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
