It's like God shit irony all over that family
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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