I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
