So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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