i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
