are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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