remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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