Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
