I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
