New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
