apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
