she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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