It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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