Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
