she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Shitshow foam night was such a success
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
