Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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