i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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