Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
