Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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