mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
