Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
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