You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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