just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
