I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
