My underwear smells like fireworks.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
