So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
