I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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