He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
