I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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