Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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