Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
