all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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