God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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