oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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