I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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