So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
