FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
