All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
