I think my vagina is haunted
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
