can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
