Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
