I am puke
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
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