Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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